


Like a Moth to a Flame

by WritersBlock_MyOldFriend



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ellie is sad fair warning, F/F, Post-Game(s), Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:00:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24914242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritersBlock_MyOldFriend/pseuds/WritersBlock_MyOldFriend
Summary: Part 2 SpoilersEllie returns to Jackson. She’s a little older and a little wiser, and prepared to face the consequences of her actions. Even if it means breaking her heart all over again. Even if it means being alone. Ellie knew she deserved to be alone after what she'd done, but love doesn't always work in the way you would expect.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 70
Kudos: 1066





	1. Daddy I've Been Tryin', I Just Can't Catch a Break

**Author's Note:**

> I have literally no idea how long it would take to walk from Wyoming to California so I just....kinda guessed? Also I have no idea if Robin is Jesse's father or mother I just flipped a coin and went with it. Anyway, here's a completely unoriginal story because I can't stop thinking about this game and this couple.

* * *

It took Ellie four months to return from Santa Barbara, two months longer than it took her to get there. She had started to fill out again, her shoulders broadening, and her waist thickening as she began to keep food down more often than not. She couldn’t feel the brittle bones of her fingers anymore, the two she lost hurting more by the day as they widened and pulled at the jagged scars.

The farmhouse had been empty, and Ellie hated herself for hoping it would be any different. It hurt to move through the house, an emptiness nearly swallowing her whole when she saw the stripped bed and missing crib. The dust had settled inside, a thin layer over every surface she could see. She couldn’t blame Dina, not really. Ellie made the house safe as possible for the three of them, but stragglers were always bound to wander too close. Hunters could hide in ambush out in the woods. It wasn’t safe, not for Dina and JJ to be alone. Ellie sighed loudly, running her hands down the neck of her old guitar, the guitar Joel had given her.

It was pointless to try and play, but she found herself doing it anyway. What was left of her ring finger stretching to barely reach the strings, a pitiful G chord echoing in her ears. She sighed again, shaking her head as she ran a hand down the body of the guitar. It made the hollow sound guitars make when you touch or move them. Ellie wondered if she would make the same sound now after everything that had happened. She leaned the guitar by the open window, staring out at the overgrown grass around the tractor. Dina had never been good at closing windows around the house, something that had caused many petty fights between the them. Ellie smiled to herself for a beat, moving away from the window and down the stairs until she was out the door and trekking towards Jackson before she could overthink it.

* * *

Maria met her at the gate, her eyes wide as she followed behind a young guard, probably on one of his first shifts ever. Her eyes softened when they met Ellie’s, a relieved smile on her face as she closed the distance between them and brought Ellie into a tight hug. Ellie weakly hugged back, uncomfortable with the closeness after so long alone. 

“C’mon, we can talk at the house,” Maria rushed out, thanking the young guard who had run to fetch her before nearly dragging Ellie away from the crowd that had gathered around the gate.

Ellie had been to Maria’s and Tommy’s many times before Joel’s death. Though, she wondered if it was still Maria’s and Tommy’s or just Maria’s now. She moved through the house like a ghost, staring at the pictures on the wall. There were plenty of pictures of town events, pictures of Maria and Tommy, and pictures of Joel and Ellie. Ellie’s stomach twisted as the kettle started to scream. She sat at the kitchen table, watching as Maria flitted from one spot of the kitchen to the next. She pulled mugs from the cabinet, pouring the hot water into them before dropping little bags of tea leaves into the water. Ellie had never been much of a tea person, but she wasn’t complaining.

“Here,” Maria sighed, placing the mug in front of Ellie, “You’ve been gone a while. Didn’t think you were coming back,”

Ellie had thought of it. She had thought of just staying away, letting everyone think she was dead. Maybe she’d go to some other settlement. There were plenty of them nearby. Jackson traded enough with them that she would be able to keep tabs on Tommy and Dina. Would be able to make sure that every trade offered bullets for Tommy’s favorite rifle and Dina’s favorite tea.

“Hmm, it took longer to get back,” Ellie shrugged, the sound of her own voice startling her some.

“Well, I’m just glad you’re back,” Maria started, but was interrupted by the sound of the screen door slapping against the wooden frame. Tommy appeared in the kitchen, his good eye scanning Ellie over quickly before moving towards her. Ellie noticed that his leg hadn’t seemed to improve like the doctors in town had hoped. He was still dragging it behind him, the hip joint stiff from lack of use but not slowing him down as he swopped down to take her in his arms. She could hear the small sniffle he let out, but chose to ignore it and instead took in his scent as it swarmed around her. He wasn’t Joel. He didn’t smell like Joel. His voice didn’t rumble in his chest when he spoke. He didn’t sing softly to himself when they were on patrol together. He would never come close to Joel, but this was Tommy. He was the only other person to understand what she lost that day. He was the only other person who had seen what those people did and felt the same anger and pain.

“I’m sorry,” He mumbled, pulling away from her. He kept her steady as she got her feet underneath her, shaking her head at him.

“It’s alright,” She breathed, the anger she felt towards him dissipating as her arms slipped away from his back.

He smiled at her. A tired, sad smile that slid off his face just as quickly as it arrived. She smiled back at him. Her smile just as tired and probably just as sad, but that simple thing made Tommy light up again. Ellie noticed Maria watching them, a fondness in her eyes that the older woman rarely showed.

“You want some tea, Tommy?” Maria asked, moving towards the fridge before the man could say anything. Something passed through his eyes when he realized Maria was pulling out the jug of sweet tea she had always kept in the fridge for him. Ellie didn’t look too much into it other than that, just went back to sitting at the table and sipping her own tea.

* * *

Maria and Tommy had talked to her for hours it seemed, the sun sinking low in the sky and the streets filling with people as one shift went home, and the other went to work. Maria offered Ellie the bedroom upstairs for as long as she wanted. Insisting that if she planned on staying in Jackson that they could clean out Ellie’s old house, move her in by the end of the week. Ellie nodded along, watching the clock on the wall tick away, and the sun sink lower. Ellie was thankful for Maria. She was thankful for Tommy, but she had another person she wanted to talk to. That she needed to talk to.

Maria nodded in understanding, her eyes soft as Ellie explained that she needed to see Dina as soon as possible. Tommy knew her whereabouts more than Maria did, and Ellie wondered if Tommy kept tabs on her for Ellie’s sake. Maybe it was his own guilt, Ellie didn’t know. Nevertheless, she was thankful when he told her that Dina was staying with Jesse’s parents.

It was later than Ellie wanted it to be by the time she got to the house, long shadows had turned dark, and porch lights had started to turn on by the time she climbed the steps of Jesse’s parents’ house. She sighed as she raised her hand to knock on the door, images of years past spent at the same home. Robin, Jesse’s father, opened the door. His eyes widened at the sight of her, doing a double-take as Ellie stood awkwardly on the front porch. Then a slow grin spread across his face, and Ellie could feel the guilt twist in her gut at the sight of it. Jesse’s grin, Jesse’s eyes, Jesse’s lifeless face all flashed through her mind as the man in front of her greeted her with warmth she didn’t deserve.

“Come in, come in,” he urged, motioning for her to come into the house. Ellie mumbled awkwardly for a bit until the words finally came to her, shaking her head she sighed, and looked up at the man.

“Um, I, uh, I was looking for Dina, Mr. Robin,”

He gave her another easy grin, nodding his head slowly. He motioned for her to come inside again, and this time Ellie didn’t refuse. The house hadn’t changed much. The same wooden floors lined the entrance and the living room. The large stain in the living room where Jesse had leaped from the second floor was still there, blood soaked into the oak boards and too stubborn to be washed out even after all these years. Ellie smiled at the memory, although it hadn’t been funny at the time. Jesse was two years older than Ellie, but she had always managed to get him to do stupid stuff with her. When Ellie convinced him that they could jump off the stair’s balcony and land on the couch, he had been skeptical. So, when she leaped and landed safely, mocking him as she strolled away from the couch, he had jumped. And he had missed the couch by a mile. It was an open compound fracture to his femur, and the blood poured out faster with every scream he shouted. He was fine in the end, and despite Ellie’s guilt, he didn’t blame her for it. It was just the type of person Jesse was.

“She’s out in the yard,” Robin pointed, giving Ellie a reassuring smile before opening the glass door to the backyard.

Dina was taking the clothes off the line, the memory of her doing the same at the farmhouse flashing behind Ellie’s eyelids. Dina was humming some song or another, folding the clothes carefully before placing them in the basket. She was always so graceful, even while doing basic chores. Ellie cleared her throat, her left hand moving to fiddle with her right ring finger like it always did when she was unformattable.

Dina glanced over her shoulder, a gasp leaving her lips before she turned fully around to face Ellie. Her jaw tightened at the sight of her, her eyes angry as her lips stayed in a thin line. Ellie sighed, shaking her head as her hands fell back to her sides, and she shifted from one foot to the next.

“I, uh, I got back today. I wanted to tell you before you heard from someone else,”

Dina didn’t say anything, just stared at her. Ellie shifted again, staring down at the ground. She deserved it. There was no question about it. They had been happy, but Ellie still left. Packed her shit and left Dina and JJ all alone in that farmhouse. She looked back up at Dina, her eyes meeting dark brown ones. Dina let out a sigh through her nose, her jaw slowly relaxing as she glanced away from Ellie.

“I’m still so mad at you,” Dina sighed. Ellie nodded, opening her mouth to say something only to be interrupted by Dina’s arms wrapping around her neck. “But I’m glad you’re okay,”

Ellie fumbled for a minute, her arms awkward as they wrapped around Dina’s middle. She didn’t say anything, fearful that if she did, Dina would realize how stupid she was being.

All too soon, Dina pulled away, wiping her nose with the back of her hand as she let out a slow breath through her mouth. Then her eyes landed on Ellie’s lost fingers, they widened slightly, and Ellie could see the tears welling up in them. She reached out and cradled Ellie’s hand, a thick swallow audible as a feather-light touch pressed into the first and only knuckle of her ring finger. Ellie knew the touch was unintentional, could see it in the way Dina paused when their hands touched. “Ellie,” Dina whispered, her words thick as she continued to trace the remainder of the digits.

“It’s alright,” Ellie shrugged, pulling her hand away from Dina’s. Dina searched her face, and Ellie cleverly avoided those dark eyes.

“You should go to the hospital and get someone to look at them,” Dina said, her voice clinical. Ellie stared down at her already healed fingers, the jagged scar still red but healed. Still, she nodded in agreement with Dina.

“I should head back to Maria’s,” Ellie sighed, and Dina nodded. Her eyes were still a little watery, and her lips refused to twitch into a smile, but Ellie had expected less than that. Had expected Dina to scream at her. Expected Dina to rush off in the way she did when she was mad, and to demand that Ellie not return.

“Like I said, I’m glad you’re okay,”

Ellie nodded again, shuffling her feet back towards the glass doors noticing how Dina wasn’t following her. She paused with her hand on the door. She could feel Dina’s eyes on her back, could feel those dark orbs trying to figure her out after all this time. After everything that had happened.

“I couldn’t do it,” Ellie sighed, staring at the toes of her sneakers. “He wouldn’t have wanted me to do,” She continued, “So, I let her go.” She didn’t wait for an answer. She didn’t really want an answer. Ellie just wanted Dina to know. She wanted Dina to still see her as Ellie and not the monster Ellie had become.

Ellie pushed open the door and shut it quickly, hoping to avoid Jesse’s parents as best she could. However, Robin was sitting on the couch, waiting for her it seemed.

“Hope everything is alright,” He smiled, the teasing tone reminding Ellie of Jesse again.

“Yes sir,” Ellie reassured, not noticing how she turned to look back out the door at Dina. Dina, who was crouched by the clothes hamper with her face in her hands. Ellie shouldn’t have come.

“Give her time,” Robin advised, moving to stand beside Ellie, “Love doesn’t just disappear cause of stupid actions. If that were the case, my wife would have left me years ago,” 

Ellie smiled because she knew he was joking. She knew he was trying to reassure her in whatever way he could, but the reality was that Ellie had been stupid. Stupid enough to leave Dina on a stupid plan that wasn’t even guaranteed to work. Ellie hadn’t just been stupid. She had been reckless. She had left the woman she loved to chase down her own delusional desires hoping that it would stop the nightmares from plaguing her in her day to day life.

“Yes sir,” Ellie sighed, jumping slightly as Robin placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder and led her out of the house.

* * *

Ellie did go to the hospital, thanks to Maria’s orders. She was checked over and told to take it easy and allow her body to really heal in the safety of Jackson. Ellie wanted to complain. She had never been very good at not doing anything, let alone when she was ordered to. Maria allowed her to do odd jobs around Jackson that wouldn’t stress her out too much, and despite Ellie wanting to get back to normal, she knew better than to cross Maria.

So, she found herself surrounded by the older woman of the town. Women who were too sickly to leave the town and too weak or old to do farm labor. They all sat in the small air-conditioned shed near the gate, sorting through supplies the patrols brought back. They had separate teams and accountability branches, so that no one would sneak away with medicines or foods. There was a section that sewed patches onto worn clothes and towels. Another section that cleaned out glass bottles and jars, hanging them to dry by one of the window units in the shed. They all chatted endlessly as they worked, talking about days gone by and love ones they missed.

Ellie didn’t mind the talking all that much, though she rarely participated in it. Instead, she let their stories be her background noise as she worked to get blood and mud stains out of denim and fleece. Occasionally, she’d start seeing Joel in the blood pouring down the drain, her breath quickening and her mouth opening in screams she couldn’t hear. And every time the ladies would stop their work and look after her. Talk her down from whatever flashback was happening in her brain, reassure her that she was safe now. They’d bring her small bits of food and sit her in one of the chairs that were around for the women who couldn’t stand for too long. They did it over and over again, never getting annoyed with Ellie, just talking to her softly and reassuring her. They never brought it up in conversation, at least not while Ellie was around them. Instead, they gave her reassuring smiles whenever she decided she was good to stand again. Ellie never knew what it was like to have a mother, but those women had set the bar pretty high.

Maria and Tommy surprised her by cleaning out her old house, the place having collected enough dust to choke a horse over the course of the last year. Ellie wondered if Maria had intentionally never put anyone in the small building, reserving it for Ellie and Ellie only. Her drawings were still there, all pinned to the corkboard above her bed. It made something ugly rise in her throat, the simplicity of the moments a harsh contrast to everything she had been through. Maria gave her a reassuring smile as she watched Ellie take in the room. Ellie couldn’t smile back, not yet, but she nodded and thanked Maria and Tommy.

She still saw Dina. It was hard not too in a place like Jackson. She saw her by the greenhouses, at the butcher’s, and ran into her enough times at the Tipsy Bison that Ellie had started to avoid going. Not that she loved it there anyway, Seth was still kicking, and as much as she wished he didn’t, he reminded her of Joel too. Dina just always seemed to be everywhere. It wasn’t like Ellie purposely sought the woman out.

On the contrary, she tried to avoid her every time she left her house. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad had Dina not been so damn _polite_ about it. Always greeting Ellie in the most monotone voice she could muster. Always being civil when all Ellie wanted was Dina to explode at her. Ellie knew how to handle anger. Well, maybe she wasn’t the best at handling anger, but she could handle people being angry at her. Could handle people’s hatred, but Dina’s indifference stung more than getting bit and losing her fingers ever did.

* * *

Three weeks after arriving back in Jackson, Maria assigned Ellie to another job. Ellie was still to sort supplies in the morning, but in the afternoon, she was allowed to work for a big burly man in town named Parker. Parker was in his late thirties and was in charge of the tool and lumber shop in Jackson. He needed a repairman, er woman, Ellie guessed to do odd jobs around Jackson. Repair furniture and roofs. Things the boss never wanted to do. So, Maria had suggested Ellie even though Ellie had only ever built a wonky birdhouse in her life. 

Still, being able to walk around and work with her hands after so long of doing what felt like nothing brought Ellie peace. She couldn’t play guitar anymore, and she hadn’t been able to paint anything since she left for Santa Barbara, but that part of her that needed to create was still there. Still beating stubbornly in her chest despite the pain it had been through. So, Ellie enjoyed fixing the townspeople’s fences and bookshelves and nailing shingles down in the decreasing temperatures. Parker had told her she’d be doing a lot of roof work for the next month, everyone preparing for another brutally cold winter in Jackson. Ellie had nodded along, recalling the number of coats they had counted that morning in the supply shed and wondering if she could get permission to have one before it got too cold.

Parker handed Ellie her assignment sheet for the day, a few house calls, and fixing one of the greenhouses' doors. Ellie quickly moved through town, finishing the greenhouse within an hour before she was moving to the house calls. There was a window that needed replacing, a table that needed fixing, and a crib that needed to be repaired, but the last job on the list puzzled Ellie. The house was a stone’s throw from her own home, the previous occupant, Ms. Edith, had died a couple of years ago and the house had been unoccupied since. Ellie sighed, her breath frosting in the cold evening air. Parker was right, winter would arrive in Jackson soon, and Ellie hated it.

She climbed the few steps to the house, knocking quickly before staring out to her own home. She had left the curtains open for some reason, and she could see straight to her bed where the sheets were tangled together. Sleeping was better now, but it still wasn’t perfect. The sound of the door opening caught her attention, and she turned only to stumble back towards the steps and nearly fall down them as Dina stared wide-eyed at her.

“Um, I, um, sorry. I was, Parker sent me to fix something,” Ellie rambled awkwardly, rubbing the back of her neck sheepishly. “I can, I can get someone else to do it,” She swallowed hard, mentally slapping herself at the way the words had come out of her mouth.

Dina’s eyes softened a bit, a sigh leaving her lips before she snapped them closed and shook her head, “No, it’s fine,” She shrugged, a deep inhale laced in her words, “Follow me,”

Ellie awkwardly shuffled into the house, wiping her boots off meticulously so she wouldn’t bring any mud into Dina's house. Dina led Ellie through the three-bedroom house, glancing behind her every so often to make sure Ellie was following her. She turned down a hallway and stopped at the threshold of what Ellie figured to be a bedroom. Ellie could feel her throat start to close as she walked into the room and stared at the empty white crib she and Tommy had lugged all the way to the farmhouse what seemed like years ago. There were wooden blocks scattered around the room, the thought of her little potato being old enough to play with blocks twisting unpleasantly in Ellie’s gut. There were painted handprints on paper hanging along the walls and a basket of books in the corner. Ellie inhaled slowly, counting the seconds it took to exhale as she stood in the doorway. Dina didn’t say anything for a minute. Ellie was thankful for the quietness. Grateful that she could get her thoughts together.

“It’s the rocking chair,” Dina supplied finally, walking through the room towards the chair tucked beside the basket of books, “The right rocker keeps falling off in the back. I tried gluing it, but it just keeps popping off,”

Ellie nodded, moving towards the rocking chair but stopping in her tracks when she saw a peak of red in the crib. Ellie stepped closer to the crib, seeing Dina in her peripherals start walking towards her. Ellie pulled the red fabric away from the crib, buttons spaced out neatly as a torn sleeve unraveled from the heap of fabric. It was a shirt. It was Ellie’s shirt. One of the many she left behind when she packed up and left to hunt down Abby.

“He, he couldn’t sleep,” Dina spluttered, moving to stand beside Ellie. Her eyes were wide as the shirt hung loosely in Ellie’s hands, her hands moving with the words leaving her mouth, “When you left. He just, I couldn’t get him down to sleep, so,” she trailed off, her jaw clenched as Ellie could do nothing but stare at her. Ellie nodded slowly, placing the shirt gently back into the crib. “You just left it, so I thought, I thought it’d be fine,”

“Yeah, of course,” Ellie nodded, letting out a breath she hadn’t realize she had been holding before moving to the rocking chair, “I’ll get started on this,”

Dina nodded, and Ellie began to drag the chair out to the middle of the room so there would be enough room to work on it. Dina walked somewhere else in the house, but Ellie could hear her nervous footfalls as she moved throughout the kitchen and living room. Dina passed by the nursery too many times for it to be natural, but Ellie tried to ignore it. She tried to focus on the job at hand. She slotted the chair leg into the rocker, hammering the rod firmly into the drilled hole before applying more glue.

“Where is he?” Ellie asked when Dina passed the nursery for the sixth time in the past forty-five minutes. Ellie turned to look at the other woman. Her hair was in a tight bun like she wore it back when they were young. Ellie clenched her jaw at the thought of it. “JJ,” She clarified.

“Uh, Mrs. Carter has him. She used to be a preschool teacher, so she keeps a lot of the younger kids during the week,”

Ellie swallowed thickly and nodded, pushing off the floor to stand. She could feel Dina’s eyes on her as she grabbed her tools and placed them back into the box. Ellie wondered how often Dina had stared at her before they were ever a thing, back when they were just friends. She shakes her head at the thought of it.

“Parker will send you a bill,” Ellie sighed, pushing the rocking chair back into its place before turning to face Dina again. Dina’s eyes flickered around the room, never landing on Ellie. She shifted from one foot to the other, darting her eyes around Ellie’s head as she began to speak, “I actually have a loose cabinet in the kitchen. If, if you don’t have any other jobs for today,”

Ellie stared at her for a minute, but Dina wouldn’t meet her eyes. It felt like a trap because there was no way that Dina would actually want to spend any more time with Ellie than she had too. But Ellie was weak, and she agreed to have a look at it. Dina nodded gratefully, and Ellie noticed the spark behind her eyes as Dina motioned her towards the kitchen.

As it turned out, Dina had a lot of things broken around the house. There was the loose cabinet, a lousy door hinge, and a cracked couch leg. Ellie didn’t mind fixing things for Dina. She’d have done it for whoever had asked. The more work she did, the more Parker let her get away with things. The fact that Dina it was asking for her help didn’t sway her any more than if someone else had asked. Dina was in the kitchen, humming to a song that Ellie vaguely recognized as she took worked diligently on the couch leg. She had decided to glue some scrap wood into the crack, a temporary solution until she could make a new couch leg at the shop. She was so busy squeezing the wood into the cracked leg she didn’t hear Dina come into the living room and sit heavily against the small chair in the corner.

“Feels weird living in this house,” She admitted, her voice uneven as if she was nervous. Ellie knew her better than that, though.

“Hmm,” Ellie hummed, running her hand over the leg to make sure there were no sharp edges. JJ would be at the perfect height for these things to hurt him.

“Ms. Edith used to be so mean to us, always blaming us for flowers not growing,” Dina snickered to herself, a small smile on her face as she glanced over to Ellie.

Ellie huffed a laugh shaking her head, “Always blaming _me_ for her dead flowers. Like it was my fault that she couldn’t grow a garden for shit,”

Dina grinned wider at that, her legs tucked underneath her in the chair. Ellie stayed on the floor, slowly packing her things away and waiting to see if Dina would ask her for something else.

“I clearly remember her yelling at the both of us,” Dina argued, a twinkle in her eyes that nearly made Ellie sick.

“She was half-blind, she probably thought you were Cat,”

“God, she _hated,_ Cat,”

“Like you can talk,” Ellie smirked, the words coming out of her mouth without thinking.

Dina paused for a moment, pursing her lips as she stayed silent, “I had a reason to hate Cat,”

“Maybe Ms. Edith did too,” Ellie shrugged, playing it all off as a joke. Like she did before everything happened. Joking with Dina was normal. Joking with Dina was something she did before everything had gone to shit.

“Well, she never did marry,” Dina noted, “Stayed away from men like the plague,”

“Okay,” Ellie sighed, standing up and grabbing her tools, “I better go before Ms. Edith’s ghost tries to make a move on me,”

“Don’t you dare joke about the dead,” Dina playfully warned, tossing a decorative pillow at Ellie’s head, which the other woman easily dodge. Ellie grinned at Dina, and for a moment, just a moment, everything was back to normal.

Then the door opened. A man Ellie didn’t know, stood at the door, a child’s backpack slung over his shoulder and JJ on his hip. Ellie’s stomach twisted at the sight of JJ, her little potato. His legs had gotten longer; his face had lost some of its baby fat. He’d be turning one soon, little shoes firm on his feet telling Ellie that he had already started walking. Then there was the man holding him. He was comfortable like this was normal. He smiled politely at Ellie, moving into the house and kicking his shoes by the door.

“I’m sorry,” He apologized, placing the backpack on his shoulder down near the door, “I didn’t realize Dina had company,” He looked between Dina and Ellie. “I’m Alex,” he smiled, shifting JJ to his other hip.

Ellie could feel her heart drop into her stomach, and she was sure it was going to stay there and rot. The man looked over Ellie’s shoulder, raising his brows at Dina in question. Ellie was sure she was going to cry right there or throw up or punch the guy or shout to God about how unfair it all was. Instead, she shook her head, and harshly grabbed her toolbox, the tools rattling against the metal as she jerked it through the air.

“Nah, I’m just the repair person,” Ellie explained, her voice slicing through her clenched teeth.

“Oh,” He nodded, “Well if you aren’t too busy, the bedroom door is a little wonky,”

Ellie could feel the burn behind her eyes and the lump rising in her throat at the words, but she swallowed them all down.

“Nah, sorry, I, uh, I need to be leaving,”

“Right, of course,” Alex understood, moving away from the door while Dina’s voice finally reached Ellie’s ears.

“Ellie,” She sighed, her voice trying to gain her attention. Ellie just shook her head. “Ellie, wait,” Dina tried again. Her voice was stern as she closed the distance between the two of them, reaching out to grab Ellie’s arm.

“It’s fine, Dina,” Ellie shrugged out of her grip, “I get it,” She said, the words coming out jumbled and rushed, but she didn’t care. She just wanted to get away.

“Ellie,” Dina pleaded, whatever else she wanted to say cut off by Ellie closing the front door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on twitter if you'd like [WritersBlockM](https://twitter.com/WritersBlockM)


	2. There's Too Much in This World I Can't Seem to Shake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who said nice things about this story! I definitely didn't expect it, but I appreciate it. I would just like warn that this is completely unedited so sorry for all mistakes. Also I promise you this ends happy, despite the beginning of this chapter.

* * *

The Tipsy Bison was always busy at night, plenty of people trying to forget their pain during the apocalypse Ellie assumed. She wasn’t a huge drinker, the taste reminded her of Riley. Reminded her of the times they would sneak out and raid the run-down liquor store just west of the Q.Z. Ellie always wondered how two teenage girls found the liquor store while countless patrols of soldiers never did. Then she travelled with Joel and found out the liquor store was a common drop off zone for illegal goods coming into and out of the Q.Z. Give even the best soldier enough pay off and they turn a blind eye.

Despite all that, Ellie still found herself in the Tipsy Bison after leaving Dina’s. It’s like her feet had just taken her there without any rational thought. She had already had several, her eyelids heavy as she glanced around the bar. Patrons packed in tight, cowboy hats and whiskey glasses as far as her eyes could see. It reminded her of a Western movie, which reminded her of Joel. She needed another drink.

“Ellie Williams,” A voice called, soft like the way snow crunches under boots. Ellie focused her eyes on the voice, squinting slightly at the low light. “Haven’t seen you in her much lately,” Emma, Seth’s oldest daughter. The blonde woman was standing behind the bar, a towel slung over her thin shoulder and her hands on her hips.

“Yeah, well your dad fucking hates me so,” Ellie shrugged, her voice coming out harsher than she meant it. Maybe she was drunker than she thought.

Emma didn’t take any offense though, tilting her head back and laughing. Ellie clumsily moved to sit on one of the bar stools, Emma braced herself onto the bar top with her forearms, a small grin on her face. “He doesn’t hate you, maybe just fears you,”

“Right, because I might sneak into his house and touch something with my gay hands,” Ellie scoffed, leaning her head down onto the bar.

“Hmm, something like that,” Emma drawled. Ellie couldn’t remember for sure, but she thought that Seth was originally from Montana. She guessed accents were passed on from one person to the other. She had started to speak more like Joel and Tommy in the last couple of years. Joel.

“Can I get another,” Ellie urged, motioning for the whiskey on the shelf behind the bar.

“Sorry,” Emma sighed, pushing off the bar, “You’ve already reached your limit for tonight,”

“Fuck my limits,” Ellie slurred, her eyes widening at the anger in her words. “Sorry,” She rushed to apologize, laying her head back onto the bar.

“It’s alright,” Emma said, though Ellie could hear a tilt to her voice, “Things not going great with the old lady,”

Ellie squeezed her eyes tight at that, a lump rising in her throat at the thought of Dina. Dina and JJ. Dina and JJ and that man. Alex.

Emma must have taken Ellie’s silence for an answer because the next thing she knew Emma was saying something else, tapping Ellie’s shoulder insistently.

“What do you say?” Emma smirked, a glint in her eyes. If Ellie was sober alarm bells would have been ringing in her head.

“What?” Ellie asked, squinting at the other woman through the low lights of the bar.

Emma laughed, reaching across the bar and tugged at Ellie’s wrist, “C’mon, follow me,”

Ellie followed blindly, ducking behind the bar and following Emma to the back where the two cooks gave her quizzical looks. Emma walked right past them though, glancing back at Ellie with a mischievous smile on her face. She led them to a locked door, pulling out a key from her back pocket. The door swung open, hitting the back wall with a bang as she pulled Ellie into the darkened room. Ellie glanced around in the dark for a moment, her eyes stinging as Emma turned on a small lamp. The room was some sort of office, a desk in the middle of the room and a couch over to the side.

“My dad would be so mad if he ever found out about this,” Emma grinned, and Ellie opened her mouth to ask why when Emma’s lips crashed into her own. For a minute, Ellie wasn’t really sure what was happening. She jerked her head back quickly, staring wide-eyed at the woman in front of her. Emma closed the distance between them again, Ellie’s mind racing as fast as her drunk brain would allow it.

It wasn’t a bad kiss, and Ellie found herself kissing back despite her body’s reluctance. Emma made some sound in the back of her throat, and Ellie could feel Emma’s fingers tangling in the short hairs at the back of her neck. Ellie drifted off as Emma started to move down, nipping at the sensitive flesh of Ellie’s neck. Ellie tried hard not to get attached to people. Loving people was dangerous. Riley had gotten bit. Sam had gotten bit. Cat had left and never returned. Joel had been killed. Dina. Ellie remembered Dina’s words back in Seattle, “It’s not like you have to choose between being alive and being close to people,” Dina had stayed, would have stayed forever. Dina. Dina. Dina.

Ellie pushed away from Emma, the other woman stumbling back as Ellie backed away from her. She gaped at Ellie, her hands going up in question as Ellie gasped for air.

“What the fuck?” She asked, and all Ellie could do was shake her head.

“I, um, I’m sorry I gotta,” She shook her head again, fumbling with the office’s door handle before it finally gave way. She stumbled over her own feet, nervously glancing back at an annoyed Emma.

Ellie rushed out of the kitchen and pushed through the patrons of the bar until she burst out the door and onto the street. The cold air hit her hard, sobering her up a bit as she walked down the well-lit streets of Jackson. Her coat didn’t offer much protection, she tucked her hands into its pockets to try to keep them warm but it barely helped. Her boots echoing off the cool pavement as she turned to head home.

Ellie rounded the fence to the path that led to her house, stopping in her tracks as she squinted at the figure sitting in front of her house. Her eyes had to be playing tricks on her. Dina stood when she saw Ellie approaching, the sigh she let out turning to ice in the air. Ellie took long strides towards the other woman, the light outside illuminating her like an angel.

“Dina, what the hell. You’re gonna freeze out here,” Ellie admonished, already slipping her thin coat off her shoulders.

Dina stopped her, a gentle hand on her wrist and pleading eyes looking up at her, “I’m sorry. I know it’s super creepy that I’m just here, but you wouldn’t let me explain myself and,” She paused, taking a step back and staring at Ellie openly. “And I needed to talk to you,” She finished, releasing a slow breath as she whispered the words. “Is that a hickey?”

Ellie’s eyes darted up to Dina’s, the woman’s eyes pinpointed to her neck. Ellie reached up the column of her throat, hissing as her fingers brushed across bruised flesh. “Dina,” Ellie breathed, shaking her head as she stepped closer to Dina.

Dina let out a humorless laugh, biting her lip as she backed away from Ellie, “What the fuck,”

“Why do you even care?” Ellie argued, becoming defensive, “You’ve got Alex, remember?”

Dina rolled her lips onto themselves, shaking her head in fury, “Alex is gay,”

“Sure,” Ellie scoffed, rolling her eyes as she kicked the dirt under her feet.

Dina blew air out of her nose, her jaw clenching as her hands did the same at her side, “He’s a patrol medic, that’s how we met,” Ellie looked up at her then, her brown eyes glassy from tears that she wouldn’t let fall, “Lost his boyfriend on the way here. When I told him about,” She inhaled sharply, shaking her head, “He offered to help with JJ,”

Ellie scoffed again, staring off into the darkness that shrouded the houses “Of course he did,”

“What did you want me to do?” Dina sobbed, startling Ellie as she watched Dina’s hands start to tremble and tears fall from her face, “You left us!”

Ellie stepped back, shifting her weight on her feet as she watched Dina grit her teeth, calm herself back down. Her hands twitched at their sides, wanting to reach out, wanting to pull Dina closer. “I had no one, Ellie,” Dina whispered, some control back in her voice, “You can believe what you want. Clearly, you don’t care either way,” Dina stormed off then, pushing past Ellie as she made her way back to her house.

“Dina,” Ellie called, her voice hollow as she watched the woman disappear down the street. “Dina!” Ellie inhaled sharply, the tears stinging at her own eyes as she sat heavily against the front door of her home. “Fuck,” She whispered to herself, the cold concrete biting at her flesh through her pants. She deserved it.

* * *

Ellie woke with a start, someone knocking at her door echoing in the small home. Sometime during the night, too numb from the cold and the alcohol and the hurt to know when, she stumbled into her house. If her sheets were anything to go by she hadn’t slept well, twisted around her legs like a trap as she tried to pull herself out of bed. Her stomach lurched as she stood, slightly dizzy as she stared around the small home. Her door rattled in its frame as someone on the other side beat into it. Ellie’s personal alarm clock.

She stumbled over to the door, running a hand down her face as she twisted the lock. Luckily, she had stepped back in time as the door swung open nearly knocking her in the face. Dina was standing there, red in the face as she shoved the door back after it had bounced against the wall. She shoved a finger against Ellie’s chest, anger rolling off of her in waves.

“Emma! Seth’s daughter, Emma!” She yelled, pushing Ellie back as she paced the floor. “You fucked Emma!”

“I didn’t sleep with her,” Ellie argued, her head pounding as Dina’s voice rose higher and higher.

“Right!” She scoffed, “God, is she even legal?”

“Don’t even say that,” Ellie grumbled, shaking her head and regretting it when she did as another wave of nausea rolled over her. She was too hungover for this.

“I cannot fucking believe you,” Dina seethed, pushing against Ellie’s chest.

“Dina,” Ellie sighed, “I promise you, I didn’t sleep with her,”

“Well,” Dina hummed out, no humor in her tone, “Everyone in town thinks you did, so,”

“I don’t care what everyone in town is saying. I’m telling you, I didn’t sleep with her. Wasn’t even interested,”

Dina stared at her then, her lips pressed into a thin line as she wrapped her arms around herself. They didn’t say anything for a beat, Dina just stared and Ellie watched her. Finally, Dina shook her head, “It doesn’t matter,” She breathed, “I’m done with this,” She turned sharply, and walked out the door with determined steps. Ellie didn’t follow. She deserved this.

* * *

Things were different after that, not like Ellie hadn’t expected it. She didn’t see Dina as much anymore, the woman clearly avoiding Ellie better than Ellie could ever avoid her. When she did see her, Dina would ignore her. No more clipped greetings and goodbyes, now Ellie was lucky if she even got a glance thrown her way. It stung, it stung bad, but Ellie could accept this. She could accept that Dina hated her, preferred it actually. Because if Dina hated her, it meant she could hate herself a little less. It didn’t work out like that in the end.

Winter did come to Jackson. Snow blanketing the town in a white sheet one November night and staying. Ellie hated the snow. It reminded her of the cannibals, of David’s body pressed on top of hers. It reminded her of Joel’s wounds, reddening with infection and not being able to do anything about it. It reminded her of Joel’s death. Ellie shuddered at the thought, ducking into the supply shed. The women greeted her warmly, the whole shed blanketing her in warmth as they had the heaters fully going. Ellie would get hot later, the heat sweltering in the small building, but for now it brought her comfort.

They had started to bring Ellie into their conversations, asking her opinion on things and if she was planning on going to community events. Ellie would reply in one-word phrases, sometimes a sentence or two. The women never pushed, and didn’t seemed bothered by Ellie’s apparent lack of conversational skills. They would just steer the conversation to something else. Ellie chose to ignore their fond smiles whenever she said more than two sentences.

Parker had allowed Ellie to use his shop more during the winter. There were still jobs to be done around town, roofs to be patched and windows and doors to be insulated, but the work load had slowed considerably. So, Ellie found herself having more free-time. Normally, she would have been elated by it, but with snow on the ground and an empty home, Ellie feared where her thoughts might go. So, she spent her time in the woodshop. It reminded her of Joel, the smell of wood-oil and sawdust. He was always making something in his hobby room, guitars or animals or cowboys. Ellie smiled at the memory, it wasn’t a bad one.

So, she carved and cut and glued wood for most of the afternoons she was supposed to be working. She ignored the little voice in her head telling her it was a bad idea as she drilled small holes into wooden frames. She ignored the logical side of her mind echoing Dina’s words as she hollowed out a window for tiny fingers. The first toy she made was supposed to be a horse figure, but two of its legs were longer than the others and would fall whenever she placed it on the ground. Parker watched her some days, giving her tips as she tried over and over again to get her ideas to work with the wood. Ellie wondered how much Parker knew about her, the older man lingering in the shop the closer the date came. Paint being purposely left out when Ellie’s project looked like she wanted it. Parker gave her a reassuring smile when she tucked it into her backpack to take with her, and Ellie figured it was alright for him to know how stupid she was.

There were still a few streamers on the mailbox when Ellie arrived, the sun sinking low in the sky telling her just how late it was. She had been in the shop longer than she thought, nervous of what might happen if she went through with this hair-brained idea. Still, she had to do it. She had told herself as much the night before when she finally let herself think of what she had been doing. JJ was turning one, he was turning one and Ellie had to give him something. It didn’t matter that Dina hated her guts, Ellie loved JJ and refused to let anyone think she didn’t.

She took the path up towards the house, climbing the few stairs quickly. She planned on just leaving the present by the door, knocking and then making a hasty retreat. Life never works out how you planned though, because the moment she put the toy down Alex rounded the corner of the house. He stared at her for a minute, his eyes darting to her face then back down to her feet where the present laid. A wide smile took over his face, and he clapped his hands together once, “Is that for JJ?” He asked, his eyes sparkling as Ellie nodded. He dropped his arms back to his side, a soft smile still on his face as he motioned for the door, “Why don’t you come in and give it to him?”

“Oh, uh, I don’t know,” Ellie trailed off, the man beside her rolling his eyes as he squeezed his way past her and opened the door. He bent to pick up the present, looking it over once before placing it firmly back into Ellie’s hands.

“Just trust me, okay,” He grinned, slightly pushing Ellie into the house.

Ellie shifted uncomfortably in the entrance way, swapping the present from one hand to the other as Alex called for Dina. Ellie could hear Dina’s voice deeper in the house, the sound of her feet against the floor as she approached nearly sending her heart beating out of her chest. This was stupid, it was so stupid, but Ellie had done so many stupid things already why not add this to the list.

Dina came into the living room and stopped in her tracks, her breath faltering as Ellie stared like a deer caught in headlights. Ellie watched as Alex’s head flipped between the two of them dramatically, an exasperated sigh leaving his lips as they continued to stare at each other without speaking.

“Ellie brought JJ a something,” Alex explained, shooting a warning glance back towards Ellie. Ellie swallowed thickly, nodding as she lifted the present in the air.

“I, uh, made it actually,”

Dina’s eyes lifted at that, something flashing behind them that caused Ellie’s heart to stutter to a stop. Dina took a step closer, holding a hand out and Ellie quickly placed the present in her hand. Dina turned it around slowly, fingering the small wheels and watching them spin smoothly in their junctions. Ellie breathed out a sigh of relief at that.

“It’s a car?” Dina asked, looping her finger through the hole in the wood that acted like a window but allowed little hands to hold onto the toy as well.

“I tried to carve a horse, but I couldn’t ever get the legs right,” Ellie admitted sheepishly, nervously playing with her right ring finger.

Dina smiled at the confession, turning the toy car over and over again in her hand. Finally, she placed it down on the entrance table beside Ellie and mumbled something as she went further into the house. Ellie looked around for a beat, noticing Alex watching her as inconspicuously as he could from the kitchen window. He had a small smile on his face, his eyes twinkling as he tried to look busy cleaning dishes. The sound of footfalls diverted Ellie’s attention back to the hallway Dina had disappeared down, this time Dina was accompanied by JJ’s little footfalls. Ellie could feel the lump rising in her throat at the sight of him, his small unsteady steps echoing in her ears a sound she knew she would never forget. He was jabbering to himself, staring at his feet as he concentrated on putting one in front of the other. Dina had a small smile on her face too, hair that had escaped her ponytail hanging in her face as she ushered the little boy into the living room.

When they reached the threshold to the living room, Dina picked him up and tucked him into her side. He jabbered again, blowing bubbles with his mouth as Dina smiled at him.

“Looks like you’ve got one more present,” Dina cooed to him, pointing towards the little car on the table to see if he would look. Instead, his eyes landed on Ellie. He stared at her, his wide brown eyes reminding her of his mother’s. She shyly smiled back to him, lifting a hand to wave at him as he tilted his head at her. He hid his face in Dina’s neck, peeking out at her through the veil of hair. Ellie gave a sad smile to Dina at the action, realizing that while she remembered JJ her clearly didn’t remember her. Dina motioned for the car, and Ellie quickly grabbed it, going to hand it off to Dina only for Dina to shake her head at the offer. She turned JJ around in her arms, making him face Ellie but still allowing him to lean back into her.

Ellie saw the moment his eyes landed on the toy, his eyes widening as he glanced back up to her. She gave him another smile, her mouth moving as she reassured him in a voice she thought she’d never use again. The voice that she had only ever used with JJ. He reached out carefully, touching the car with his whole palm and quickly pulling his hand back. Ellie saw Dina’s tiny smile at the action, as she leaned down and whispered something to the little boy in her arms. Dina then reached out and touched it, the front wheels spinning as she poked at them. JJ giggled in delight, reaching out and slapping at the car’s wheels.

“Come sit down, watch him play with it,” Dina offered, an unreadable look over her face as Ellie tried her hardest not to look too much into the offer.

“Yeah, of course,” Ellie agreed.

Ellie stayed longer than she had anticipated, JJ squealing in delight when she got onto the ground and showed him how to roll the car. She pushed it towards him and he would push it away from him, clapping his hands together whenever it smashed into something. Dina watched on quietly, occasionally filling in Ellie on what JJ had currently learned. He had learned to crawl a few weeks after Ellie had left. He had learned to clap a few months ago. He had taken his first steps a few weeks ago although they weren’t as much steps as falling in style, Dina had explained.

The sun sank lower in the sky, falling behind the mountains as JJ crawled into Ellie’s lap. Ellie smiled at him, watching as he climbed up her body and rested his little head on her shoulder. She noticed that Alex was nowhere to be seen as she glanced wound the house, only her and Dina and JJ. Like it was supposed to be, a voice rang out in her head.

“Sorry,” Ellie apologized, “I should have left a while ago, he hasn’t even eaten supper,”

“It’s alright,” Dina shrugged, “If he’s hungry he’ll wake up,” Ellie nodded, running a hand over the little boy’s back as he snored into her neck. “You want to put him down? He can get pretty heavy,”

“Just a few more minutes,” Ellie sighed, her voice coming out more as a plea than as an explanation. Dina just nodded, a soft smile on her face.

Things were better after that. Dina no longer ignored Ellie when she saw her in town, and instead would often tell her about JJ and his toy car. Apparently, it had become one of his favorite toys. Ellie felt a little pride well in her chest at that. It wasn’t the same, Ellie reckoned it never would be the same, but it was something. It was better than Ellie deserved.

Winter had come in full swing by January, Maria and Tommy going house to house to ensure that everyone had at least a week’s supply of food and water. The threat of a blizzard was always there in the winter, and Ellie feared it more now than she ever had. Still, Ellie prepped for them like she did every year before. She packed water jugs underneath her bed and stored rice jars around her small kitchen. She insulated windows for people all over town and fixed the last leaky roofs left in Jackson. She smiled at Dina and JJ as she picked him up from the daycare in town, the toy car clutched in his small hands.

* * *

There had been a record number of blizzards that year, or at least that’s what Tommy kept insisting. Ellie had to admit, it had been the worst winter she had seen. At least weather wise. There had been a whole week that everyone in town had been shut up in their homes, the snow too thick and the wind too fierce to leave the house safely. They had lost two to that storm.

The weather didn’t appear to be letting off anytime soon, heavy snow falling against Ellie’s window rhythmically. There was some ice in it this time, splattering against the window pane and sounding like little rocks. Ellie’s head hurt and her eyes were sore and it was way too cold to go outside, but she had to. She had to do it.

So, she wrapped herself in layers, tugging on gloves and lacing up her boots tightly. She pulled her hood up, shielding herself from the wind as the door blew open and banged against the side of her house. Ellie cursed to herself as she grabbed the door handle and fought the icy breeze to shut the door back. She trudged through thick snow, no one had been out to shovel and Ellie doubted anyone would be for the next couple of days.

She climbed the small hill determinedly, gritting her teeth as a fresh wave of snow and ice changed direction and slapped in her in the face. She had to do this. She had to. She had to. She had to. Her foot slipped, her hands grappling to catch herself in the wet snow. She cursed to herself, straightening herself before climbing the rest of the way up the hill. Finally, she reached the cemetery’s bricked walkway. It was covered in snow, her feet slipping against the bricked path as she opened the gate and moved towards the headstones.

She ran her hand over Joel’s headstone, tears springing to her eyes despite herself. She crouched by the snow covered grave, tracing his name with her finger slowly. Her heart ached as the wind screamed around her. She didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything. She just stood there, staring at the headstone, at the grave of the man that had been a father to her when he didn’t have to be. Ellie grew up never knowing what it was like to have a father, but then Joel had been there. Gruff and angry and cynical. A man who could make blades out of scissors and wouldn’t blink an eye as he sunk that blade into another’s man’s neck. A man who had taken humanity’s only hope away because he couldn’t bear to lose another daughter. A man who sang softly under his breath and watched terrible 80’s movies with her while they were snowed in. Joel might not have been her father by blood, but Ellie knew that Joel was her father just as much as she was Joel’s daughter.

Footsteps startled Ellie, her body on high alert despite the desolate town. She spun quickly, her hand reaching for her knife on instinct until her eyes locked onto brown eyes. Dina stood wrapped in three coats at the gate, her cheeks tinted slightly red as she gave a sad smile to Ellie. Ellie relaxed her hand, dropping it by her side as she watched Dina use her footprints in the snow to reach the gravesite. She reached into her pocket, pulling out pressed flowers and placing them by the grave.

“I wanted to bring JJ. Tell him stories of his namesake, but it was too cold,” Dina explained, stepping back to stand beside Ellie.

“It’s okay,” Ellie shrugged, sniffling as she wiped at her nose with her gloved hand, “I didn’t expect you to come,” She admitted.

Dina chuckled, staring down at the grave and shaking her head, “I guess I just can’t stay away when I know you’re hurting. I guess I’m a fool,”

“Well, that’s impossible,” Ellie smiled, pausing as she thought out her next words, “Thank you, for being here. And for bringing the flowers,”

“Of course,” Dina smiled. Ellie sighed then, shaking her head as tears burned at her eyes again. It was all too much. Too much pain. Too much history. She felt Dina move closer, a hand wrapping around her own, their fingers interlocking. Dina gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and Ellie felt like her lungs would explode. Everything was too much, but Dina quieted down the voices in her head. Ellie was going to be okay. She squeezed Dina’s hand in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on twitter if you'd like [WritersBlockM](https://twitter.com/WritersBlockM)


	3. But I Remember Your Words, Lord, They Bring Me to Chills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all this game has officially taken over my life and I don't know how to handle that. Anyway, thanks to everyone who took time to read this story and I hope you enjoy the final chapter even though it's unedited and probably messy as hell

* * *

Winter dragged on so slowly that Ellie was sure she would never thaw. It gave her time to think, time to remember. Last winter, she had been distracted. Distracted by taking care of Dina and a newborn JJ. Distracted by Tommy’s recovery plan and the concerned looks Maria would send her way. Ellie had been so distracted she hadn’t ever gotten a chance to sit with the pain. She never wanted to. She had outright refused when the chances arose.

There was no escaping it this time though. So, she sat alone in her house with her thoughts. She sat with the memories, and in the end, she cried. She had grieved when Joel died, she had cried and thrown things and gunned down men who had nothing to do with his death just because of the patch on their sleeve. She had travelled to a new land to find his killers, she had experienced real pain and grief and lost, but now she cried for the man Joel really was. It was strange, grieving for the same person twice, but Ellie felt it all the way through. She had to. Because in the end, nothing had helped. Nothing had brought Joel back. Nothing had changed the years she had spent avoiding him. The years she had spent resenting him for what he did. It didn’t change anything. Maybe that’s what Ellie had been running from all along. Maybe that’s why she decided to let Abby go in the end. Ellie felt it all again, and she finally accepted it.

Then, just like always, the sun peaked out over the mountains and the snow began to melt. Spring was a turbulent time, the snow would melt during the day and freeze over at night, leaving ice traps all along the walking paths of Jackson. The rivers filled with flowing snow melt, the rock of the mountains becoming visible. The beauty of Jackson returning, and with it, a little piece of Ellie returned. A little piece of her heart fixed.

* * *

With spring, came work. It was always the busiest time for Jackson. Crops needed to be planted, hay need to be cut, fences needed to be mended, and livestock needed to be born. Ellie had never been a huge fan of farm rotation, digging in the dirt just never appealed to her. She didn’t mind tending to livestock, the animals having their own personalities to learn entertained her. However, as Parker’s employee she was in charge of mending fences. She and a group of about six mended most of the fences, checking to ensure that the electric fence still worked after months of freezing temperatures. Ellie wasn’t sure what they would do if it didn’t work, probably tell Maria if she had to guess, but her main focus was on the livestock pens.

There were a few grazing pastures that Ellie had to check before the livestock could be let out to pasture. It made Ellie nervous being in charge of such a big thing, but Parker walked her through it and gave her a small crew of some retired farmers and carpenters. The wire fences were held up by thick spruce posts every couple of feet. The wire was never really a problem, the posts always were. They either had to be replaced or the holes dug again. Ellie mended fences and dug holes until her hands started to crack, small canyons of blood. For the first time she didn’t see flashes of Joel in the red.

Dina started to spend more time around Ellie, often times bringing JJ over since the little boy was starting to become a handful. She would wait for Ellie after her shift in the gardens or the hospital, oftentimes sitting on Ellie’s small front porch and letting JJ play in the yard. She and JJ would then follow Ellie inside, JJ often clambering to be picked up while Dina cooked small meals for the three of them. Ellie tried not to look into it too much, her heart too fragile after everything that happened between the two of them. Still, her heart did a little flip every time she saw Dina waiting for her on the front porch.

It was one of those nights that Dina saw the cracks along Ellie’s hands, tsking at her as she rushed across the small yard to her own home grabbing some sort of lotion. She washed the small cuts out, Ellie hissing at the sting as Dina hushed her. She dabbed antibacterial cream over them as she carefully examined the cuts for any infection. Dina sighed, handing Ellie the lotion over and demanding she use it every day. Ellie agreed, despite thinking it was silly to be worried about such a thing. Dina just smiled softly at her, bringing the worst hand to her lips and leaving a featherlike kiss to the back of it. Ellie guessed it wasn’t so stupid after all.

* * *

Ellie was cleared for patrol the week after all the crops had been planted. The restlessness from being cooped up in town had reached an all-time high, and the possibility of going outside the walls left her giddy. It didn’t even matter that she couldn’t go on the longer patrols because she still didn’t have a horse, Ellie was just ecstatic to be back outside.

She hadn’t done the walking patrols since she was seventeen, a large patrol group surrounding her as they cleared the fields and woods directly around Jackson. There was almost never any infected near the walls, and more often than not they would return empty handed as the gas stations and small cabins around the fence had been picked clean years ago. Still, Ellie enjoyed her new-found freedom. She sang softly under her breath as the youngest of the patrol group took in the wide world around them. The looks on their faces reminded her of her first time out of the Q.Z. The first time she had ever set foot on something other than dilapidated concrete, Joel’s curious but tired eyes as she took in everything around her. It was another good memory that she tucked away inside her mind.

Dina was waiting for her when she returned from her first patrol, her hair disheveled with JJ’s tiny hands pulling at her jeans insistently. Ellie grinned wide at the little boy, a small squeal escaping his lips when he saw her. His small feet stomped against the ground as he ran towards her, his little arms wrapping around her leg tightly as she bent to pick him up. Dina smiled at the exchange, a sight that surely would have had Ellie’s heart racing had she not been so content.

That feeling stayed with her throughout the night, and into the morning. It stayed with her the next day as she moved around town fixing things winter had destroyed. It stayed with her the next night, and the next day, and the next night and the next day until finally Ellie realized that maybe it was there to stay. Not forever, but for a while. So, she continued to fix furniture for Parker. She continued to go on patrol with the groups. And she continued to have supper with Dina every night. She continued to live and her heart patched itself up slowly, mending itself together again until it wasn’t beating out of stubbornness. It was beating because Ellie was alive again. Ellie was alive and she was staying.

* * *

Dina met her one morning, the arrival of summer fast approaching as the usual chilly morning air was replaced by a sun-warmth breeze. Ellie was heading out for another group patrol, her backpack slung over one shoulder as she hurried through her morning routine. She was already running late, and despite her joy at seeing Dina she didn’t have time to stop and talk. Dina, however, wasn’t fazed by Ellie’s subtle hints that she needed to get going. Instead, she steered Ellie away from the usual path to the gate and took a back path that was hardly ever used.

“What are you up too?” Ellie asked, glancing behind her shoulder as she pulled at the single strap over her shoulder.

“Hmm, Maria sent me to tell you that you aren’t going on patrol today,” Dina explained nonchalantly, ducking underneath a low hanging tree branch.

“Wait, why? Did I do something wrong?” Ellie panicked, moving quickly to catch up to Dina. Dina just hummed, rolling her shoulders as if she didn’t know. It was times like this that Ellie hated just how much she knew about Dina, because Dina knew. She could tell in the small smile she had on her face and the glint behind her brown eyes. “Dina,” Ellie warned, “If I did something to piss off Maria you might as well,”

“You didn’t do anything to piss Maria off. Just relax, okay?” Dina laughed breathily, turning back to look at Ellie, a teasing glint in her eye. “You can go back to patrol soon enough, just not today,”

Ellie huffed at the answer, but didn’t say anything else. She shuffled behind Dina as the other woman led them. Ellie knew logically that all she had to do was look around for some visual clues to get a hint as to where they were going, they had often used the back paths when they were younger, but a part of her really didn’t care where they were going. She was still allowed to go on patrol and she was with Dina. She was actually behind Dina which came with plenty of views itself but Ellie tried to ignore since they technically weren’t a thing anymore. Ellie sighed through her nose at the thought. Stupid fucking thoughts.

Dina ducked under a wooden fence, a smile still plastered on her face as she watched Ellie crawl through the boards. Ellie hadn’t worked on the corrals, but she at least knew where they were now. She looked around the small pen, a question in her eyes as she watched Dina move across the small grassy patch. Dina climbed up the corral, her feet slotted above the middle rung. She motioned for Ellie to follow, and Ellie slung her backpack more firmly over her shoulders before reaching out to grab the top of the wooden fence. She moved her feet quickly, placing them on the same rung as Dina and pulled herself up to see clearly over the fence. Ellie’s eyes flickered over the horses in the pen. They were yearlings by the looks of it, and Ellie could feel herself glance over at Dina, a brow raising in question.

“Maria thought it was time for you to have another horse,” She explained. Ellie stared at Dina for a beat, her head tilted slightly.

“What about the new kids on patrol?”

Dina rolled her eyes, shaking her head slightly at Ellie, “They’ve had theirs picked out for years by now, you picked out Shimmer when you were what? Fifteen,”

Ellie shrugged, staring out at the yearlings. There were four of them. Despite the large number of mares they had, the stable hands only allowed so many to breed a year. Horses needed a lot of care, and the stable hands of Jackson were very careful to ensure no resources would be used on useless horses.

Dina must have taken her silence for approval because next she was listing off the foals like she was an auctioneer. “There’s three colts and then that little black one is a filly,” She explained, “The colts will have to be gelded, the stable hands don’t want them to be studs. The filly on the other hand will be a breeding a mare when she get older,”

“Not her,”

“Got too many girls with babies, huh?” Dina joked, a knowing smile on her face as Ellie rolled her eyes.

“They’re nothing but trouble in my experience,” Ellie quipped, dodging the playful slap Dina swatted at her shoulder.

“What about that seal brown one?” Ellie asked, pointing to the largest colt in the pen.

“He’s a fighter, they’re planning on gelding him in the next week. He’s a few months older than the rest of them. Mare came into heat early apparently,”

“He have a name?”

“Don’t get a name until they get a rider,” Dina shrugged, which was partly true. The stable hands always gave them names, but it wasn’t an official name until the horse was assign to someone.

Ellie hummed as she stared at him. He was strong already, sleek muscles moving effortlessly under his skin. He was alert but weary, staring at them but not approaching. He had a clear bite on his hindquarters, no doubt from a fight he had gotten himself into while waiting for Ellie and Dina. He was a good horse as much as Ellie could tell.

“Why do I get to pick like this? What about the list?” There was a long list from what Ellie could remember. A list of residents that needed a horse, either for patrol or for farm work. The list consisted of mostly kids training to either go on patrol or be livestock handlers, but there were a few adults who had lost horses like Ellie.

Dina smirked devilishly, a lump rising in Ellie’s throat at the sight of it as Dina explained, “The list doesn’t matter when you have the boss of the stable in your pocket,” Ellie raised an eyebrow again, thinking back to who ran the stables. Dina rushed to explain, shrugging “Well, not my pocket, but Alex’s,”

“Alex has a thing with the guy who runs the stables?”

Dina nodded, “Think his name is Matt or something, you know, the sweet guy with glasses,”

Ellie thought back to the guys in the stable, most of them older. She had never paid much attention to them, not in a rude way, just never had time to really think about it. They had never paid any attention to her, always staring after Dina and maybe causing Ellie to flush a little in anger at the sight of their eyes following her every move.

“Guess he’s into older men then, huh?” Ellie asked, the image of the man never coming to her.

“You have no idea, he’d probably go after Tommy if he had the chance,”

“Okay, gross,” Ellie sighed, pushing off the fence and landing quietly against the dirt. Dina cackled as she followed, her feet landing almost as softly as Ellie’s had.

“It’s not that gross,” Dina retorted, “Tommy’s a good-looking guy,” Ellie made retching sounds as Dina rolled her eyes, “Shut up, he is. Guess it’s just a Texas thing, I had a crush on Joel when you two first got here,”

“Okay, it’s official, I’m gonna puke,” Ellie dramatized, sticking her tongue out as the gagging sounds increased. Dina just laughed, pulling on Ellie’s sleeve. Ellie sighed at the contact, patting herself on the back for not spiraling at the mention of Joel. Dina seemed worried about the same outcome, laughter slowing as she watched Ellie’s face intently. Ellie didn’t feel the dread she normally did at the mention of Joel. Instead, she felt relief. Relief that Joel’s memory wasn’t just of his death, but was so many other things.

“That’s the reason you were so hellbent on being my friend then,” Ellie teased, “You were really going after Joel,”

Dina scoffed, her shoulders relaxing at Ellie’s playful tone, “That’s it, my thirteen-year-old self really thought we stood a chance,” She curled further into Ellie’s arms, “I’m pretty sure he called me Tina the first time we met,”

“It’s fine,” Ellie sighed, dramatically, “I know your true intentions now,”

Dina laughed quietly, shaking her head, “I thought you were cute too. Just might have taken me longer to realize I thought that,”

“Hmm,” Ellie hummed, her heart beating in her throat as Dina moved even closer to Ellie.

“Might have even had a little crush on you back then. I was kinda obsessed with becoming your friend,”

“I remember,” Ellie whispered, wetting her lips as Dina moved even closer. Dina’s breath brushing against her lips had Ellie backtracking, “I want the seal brown one,” She sighed, pulling herself away from Dina. She could hear the sigh Dina let out, but chose to ignore it.

* * *

Spring passed by peacefully. Ellie would stop by the supply shed after she went on morning patrols, the older ladies often bustling around her and filling her in on the latest gossip. Ellie didn’t care much for any of that, having been on the end of such gossip enough times to know it was mostly bullshit. Still, she nodded along with the ladies as they told her, filling them in on whatever JJ was doing that week.

She still worked for Parker, the rush of spring barn fixes something Ellie hadn’t expected. The barns needed to be waterproofed and their roofs patched for the upcoming spring storms. Ellie had never spent a lot of time in barns, usually only to see Shimmer when she wasn’t in the stables. However, Ellie now spent the majority of her time in barns. Climbing ladders and dangling precariously to fix leaky hay lofts and grain storage. It scared her more times than not and she hated the way hay dust would linger in her nose for weeks. The unpredictability of it all was perfect for someone like Ellie.

Dina was still waiting for her when she got off of work. She stayed longer now, often to the point where JJ would fall asleep and Ellie had to carry him back to Dina’s house and put him to sleep. It didn’t bother Ellie, it was the opposite really. She just couldn’t bring herself to bring it up with Dina. Not that she was worried about what Dina might say, more she was worried that Dina might realize what she was doing and would stop. So, she stayed quiet about it and helped Dina where she could while the other woman cooked, and played with JJ until he passed out in her arms. It was nice. It was exactly as it was supposed to be. So, when Dina leaned up to press a soft kiss against Ellie’s cheek one night when she was leaving, Ellie figured saying nothing had been the best option.

* * *

The days got longer and the sun got warmer as Ellie and Dina continued to orbit around each other like planets. Dina was still Dina, talking about community events coming up and whether or not she was going to them. Ellie shrugged most of them off, public get togethers were never her thing. If Dina hadn’t dragged her to the ones she had been to, she doubted she would have ever gone at all. Dina went to a few, mostly complaining about them the next day. She kept saying how they weren’t as put together anymore, complained about the music. Ellie wasn’t sure what Dina wanted _her_ to do about it, but Ellie tried her best to offer solutions. Dina could sign up for the events committee, God knows she’d be great at it. Dina could write up the music list. Dina could put on a community event. Dina shot down every idea Ellie gave her, so Ellie figured Dina just wanted an outlet to complain.

It was the night after one such party that a thunderstorm came through Jackson. Thunderstorms were common during the spring, it was why Ellie had been working so hard for the past six weeks. This storm was different though, strong winds shaking the windows in their seals, the door creaking ominously as the winds smashed into it. Ellie had never been frightened of storms. Even after Seattle, the power and destruction of storms somehow bringing her peace. JJ was already fast asleep, sprawled out in her lap as the few toys Ellie now kept at her house were scattered around them. Dina jumped slightly as a particular clap of thunder shook the house, the hair on the back of Ellie’s neck standing at the sound. She could feel it in her gut, and she squinted out the window at the small light emitting from Dina’s porch.

“It’s really coming down out there,” Ellie sighed, her eye flicking back to Dina “I can barely see your house,”

Dina stared out the window for a minute, her head tilted as she watched the rain beat against the window, “It’s already late,” She pointed out, her voice careful as the words left her mouth, “We might have to stay here for the night,”

Ellie’s eyes went wide for a second until she quickly regained her composure. She opened her mouth to say something, but found that it was too dry to form proper words. She swallowed hard as she stared down at JJ, his little snores the only sound in the room.

“Uh, I don’t. I don’t have a crib,” Ellie mumbled, swallowing again to try to rid her of her cottonmouth.

“He can sleep in the bed,” Dina shrugged, “We’d get drenched just walking across the yard,”

Ellie mentally slapped herself at the situation. Dina made a good point, they _would_ get drenched if they walked across the yard. Still, Ellie could feel her palms sweat at the idea of Dina staying the night. Which was stupid. It was beyond stupid because it was Dina. She had lived with Dina for almost a year, but that was before everything had happened. That was before Ellie had essentially ended everything between them.

“I can sleep on the floor,” Ellie offered, swallowing hard as she looked back up at Dina, “If you’d like,”

Dina sighed softly, a small smile on her face as her brown eyes pleaded with Ellie, “Stop overthinking this,” She moved closer towards Ellie, “I want to stay,”

Ellie audibly swallowed, nodding her head as Dina started to take JJ from her arms, “Oh, o-okay,”

Ellie stared wide-eyed at Dina as the other woman turned the blankets down from the bed, setting JJ down in the middle of the bed and placing pillows around him. JJ for his part didn’t even stir, his arms stretched over his head as his mother situated the pillows so they wouldn’t pose any kind of danger to him. Dina asked to borrow a shirt, something that had Ellie’s throat nearly closing as she shuffled through her drawers looking for a soft shirt. She found one, and handed it to Dina cautiously. The other woman just smiled at her, and Ellie was infuriated with how Dina could just be so Dina about things.

Ellie stood their awkwardly, watching Dina dig through the cabinets in her bathroom until she found a spare toothbrush. Dina either didn’t know or didn’t acknowledge Ellie’s nervousness, and instead unbuttoned her pants and let them drop to the bathroom floor. Ellie turned away quickly, staring intently at the walls she had stared at for almost seven years. She could hear more shuffling, the sound of a shirt joining the pants on the floor. She swallowed thickly, as she continued to let her eyes drift around the wall. Dina’s laugh filled the air.

“Ellie,” She called.

Ellie hummed in response, still not turning her head to face Dina.

“Ellie,” Dina laughed, “You’ve literally seen me naked,”

Ellie swallowed hard again, nodding along but still not turning to face Dina.

“Ellie,” Dina sighed, her voice closer as footsteps approached Ellie from behind. Dina’s hands were firm on Ellie’s shoulders, turning her around until green eyes met brown. “You’re fine,”

Ellie didn’t dare look anywhere but Dina’s face. The shirt she had borrowed hung off of her, brushing against Ellie’s arms and nearly driving her crazy. This was so fucking stupid.

“You do realize JJ’s in the bed with us? We’re not about to have sex if that’s what you’re,”

“Oh my God,” Ellie gasped, “No, what, no that’s not,” Dina laughed again, leaning further into Ellie, “You’re such an asshole,” Ellie sighed.

“You love it,” Dina grinned, and Ellie couldn’t find it in herself to argue. “Just get in the damn bed, and stop worrying. I told you, I want to be here,”

Ellie nodded, her mouth still dry as she climbed into bed. Dina raised her eyebrows at the thick pants Ellie still wore, but didn’t say anything. JJ snored softly between them as Dina curled herself into the mattress. Ellie laid their stiffly, staring at the ceiling and trying to urge her brain to go to sleep. Dina reached out, her hand wrapping around Ellie’s own.

“Just relax,” She whispered, her voice already thick as she drifted off to sleep. Ellie sighed, closing her eyes as her heart beat slowed, sleep finally catching her.

And the next morning, when Ellie woke early to head out on patrol she ignored the butterflies in her stomach. She shook Dina awake slightly and told her she was leaving for the day. Dina mumbled something Ellie couldn’t hear, sleep laced in her voice as Dina reached out for Ellie. The woman’s eyes opened blearily, staring at Ellie intently before she leaned slightly up and connected their lips. It wasn’t anything Ellie had expected when her mind wandered to what the hell the two of them were doing. It wasn’t heated, or teasing, or angry. It was sleepy and soft and made Ellie’s heart nearly combust.

Dina pulled away first, curling back into the pillow, “Be safe,” She mumbled, her words muffled by the pillow.

“Always,” Ellie grinned, warmth spreading out from her chest as she nearly skipped out the door.

* * *

After that, they all spent more time at Dina’s house. It was bigger and offered them a chance to put JJ to bed at a reasonable time. It gave them a chance to openly talk about them, despite Ellie’s awkwardness on the matter. It gave them a chance to rebuild what they had before everything went to shit.

It brought a peace that Ellie hadn’t known she had been searching for. Coming back to Jackson had been a gamble, the memory of Joel everywhere in the place. She couldn’t image a time when she wasn’t haunted by his blood, by his screams. But then, she had accepted it. She had accepted Joel’s death, and made her peace with it. Joel loved her, loved her more than she could have ever fathomed. The more important thing though, was that she had loved Joel. And despite all the shit she had put him through, their last talk, she hoped beyond hope, had let him see that.

Still, there had been a restlessness in Ellie. Something ugly that scratched at her ribcage whenever she walked the streets of Jackson. She had expected Dina to hate her. She wouldn’t have blamed Dina if she did. But Dina had always been surprising, and slowly, so slowly that Ellie felt like she had missed it somehow, Dina let Ellie back into her life. Dina was always the one who dictated what their relationship after everything was going to be, and Ellie could finally breath again when Dina decided that for some reason Ellie was worth it.

* * *

Summer in Jackson was brutal and hot, and Ellie found herself drenched in sweat most days. Building houses and expanding the town left Ellie up to her eyeballs in work, and she’d often crash before JJ most nights. Ellie couldn’t believe she was wishing for winter, but she’d take falling off an icy roof before she baked under the sun.

She dragged her feet up the stairs to Dina’s front door, reminding herself that Dina insisted Ellie stop calling it Dina’s house. She fumbled with the door for a minute, her hand so sweaty that it slipped on the doorknob. Dina called for her from JJ’s room, the sound of blocks being thrown into the bin brining a smile to Ellie’s face. JJ collided into Ellie’s legs, his little feet digging into her shoes as he held his hands up to her. She ruffled his dark hair, shaking her head at him.

“I’m sweaty,” She explained, chuckling as the little boy poked out his bottom lip. Dina swopped down and picked the small boy up, his legs kicking out as Dina settled him on her hip.

“Hey,” Dina grinned, leaning into Ellie and kissing her cheek.

“Like I said, super sweaty,” Ellie complained, pulling away from Dina and feeling her shirt stickily pulling away from her skin.

“Hmm, I like it,” Dina teased, laughing at Ellie’s raised eyebrows.

“I’m gonna hop in the shower and try not to fall asleep,” Dina nodded, but there was a glint in her eyes that made Ellie nervous.

Ellie walked out of the bathroom cautiously, Dina’s eyes still haunting her as she moved through the house searching for Dina and JJ. Ellie had amazingly not fallen asleep in the shower, and the fear of what Dina had up her sleeve had apparently rid her of any tiredness. She peeked into the kitchen, and began making her way to the living room. Dina sat on the couch with a small grin on her face, JJ running back and forth between the couch and a chair they had in the living room. Ellie’s eyes darted around the room, until finally, they landed on what had Dina so suspicious.

A light-colored guitar leaned against the coffee table, and Ellie could feel her brows raising to her hairline. She moved around JJ, reaching down and brushing the headstock of the guitar. She locked eyes with Dina, a question on the tip of her tongue as she flexed her two severed fingers.

“It’s a left-handed guitar,” Dina explained, a soft look on her face, “Tommy had some strings for it,” Ellie picked the guitar up, staring at it for a beat before looking back at Dina.

“I’ll have to re-learn how to play,” She explained, flexing her hand against the neck.

“Shouldn’t be too hard for someone as stubborn as you,” Dina teased, earning an eye roll from Ellie. “Besides, I think it’s hot when you play,”

Ellie grinned wide at that, “Well then, I better start practicing,” She moved to sit by Dina, laying the guitar over her knee. It was a little awkward, the guitar feeling wrong in its new position. She ran her fingers over the strings, the guitar was tuned correctly. The sound had gained JJ’s attention, who was now making his way towards Ellie. Ellie grinned at him, running a hand back over the strings to the delight of the little boy. Dina curled her arm around Ellie’s arm, watching the two of them as Ellie continued to play with the guitar and fascinate JJ. Ellie exhaled slowly, her heart beating contently in her chest as she began to sing to the little boy at her feet.

“If I ever were to lose you,”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on twitter if you'd like [WritersBlockM](https://twitter.com/WritersBlockM)


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